Category: Life

Dating, Life, Love

The Men I’ve Loved Pt 3 ~ Polyamory

Malia

Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/49hF3psUYoT4YcaFwge3mw?si=tZO-kawtSr-RPYYUXpDJxQ

After my divorce I dated a few men but not seriously. Most of them only lasted a couple weeks to a couple months and in retrospect I dated a handful of scrubs. I was a mother of two in my mid 20’s and didn’t know who I was, what I wanted or what I was worth. I struggled with self love after being pegged as the awful woman who broke up my own family. I struggled with time management having to co-parent part time and work full time. I struggled to stay afloat with my mid level bank job and paying bills on my own. I found solace in the new friendships that I was creating and I was trying to learn who I wanted to spend my time with. I had a couple female best friends to help me find my path. One was our nanny when my youngest was a baby and I had to go back to work. I got to keep her in the divorce. She ended up somewhat moving in with me, or rather spending all her time at my house because she didn’t want to live with her mother. She would be there when I left for work and then when I came home. We would hang out & have cocktails after work and dance to Britney Baby! She was close to my kids and it was nice to have companionship during my transition. Another one of my girls was an amazing vocalist, guitarist and cook who lived with me for about 6 months. Finally, my life long best friend who has always been my biggest moral support. 

Burning Man is a huge music & art festival in the Nevada desert that happens each year at the end of Summer. During the off season the city of Black Rock is desolate but for that one week it transforms into the 3rd largest city in Nevada. Roughly 70-80k people attend this event and they must collectively construct it from scratch. There are thousands of art structures, sound camps and other camps that offer attractions like yoga, naked yoga, healing, showers, food, workshops and so much more. Anything you want to do can be found in their Who, What, When, Where Guide (WWWW).  Each participant has to bring everything they need to survive for the week in the desert. People come from all over the world and it truly is one of the most incredible experiences on earth. My lifelong best friend started inviting me to “Burner” events that happened throughout the year in our local community. Within months I began hosting my own potlucks in the community and ended up building a theme camp my very first year at Burning Man in 2011. Soon after I was hosting my own parties and later was nominated to be on the Board for Denver Decompression 2012 which is the annual post Burning Man event that brings the community together after the dust settles. One of my fellow board members was a man who was in a sound crew by the name of Whomp Truck. This man would later become the subject of this story line. 

Whomp Truck was a mobile sound crew that would pop up in hidden places all over Denver and host Renegade parties. I had been to a couple of their events and thought they were super cool so being able to work with one of them on this event was a dream come true. After throwing that successful event I was approached by their founder who asked me to join the crew. I started going to their weekly meetings and was the only woman there. It was primarily a crew of male DJ’s & tech guys but they said they wanted someone who could help organize the crew and my background in finance & management was ideal. It took me about 3 months to feel comfortable in the group at which point I jumped right in and started contributing much of my free time & energy to the success of the crew. I asked to welcome in a couple of my Burning Man camp members who I thought were assets and we merged forces. I started welcoming more women into the group and we were nicknamed “Whompettes”. A lot of these women were girlfriends of the DJ’s who never got involved before but if there is one thing I do well, it’s bring people together and organize skill sets. We grew from 6-8 to about 20 members within my first year, all of which had something amazing to bring to the table. We were rocking hard and riding high for a couple years hosting community events, warehouse parties and sound camps at our regional burn. We even started planning our own festival which was going to require a lot of start-up capital and a lot of hard work but we were inspired to do this. We worked hard and played harder. Unfortunately when you are so close to people on such an intimate level, there can be cross over in the relationship sector. There were people who would break up and then couple up with another person in the group. There were people who casually slept together and since we were all young & beautiful we occasionally had fun with each other. Nothing was super serious and we were just enjoying the ride. 

There was always one guy in the group who I was interested in more seriously, however. He was the first man I worked with during Denver Decompression and he was the one I saw as someone I could actually date. We hooked up a few times over the years but he was never serious about me, or anyone for that matter. He wasn’t in an emotional place for a relationship so we just remained friends with occasional benefits. After about 3 years of working together & occasional hook ups, I flat out told him I cared about him and we were young so I wouldn’t mind if he saw other people but I wanted something more. At that time a lot of our friends were exploring polyamory and I was curious about it. Monogamy didn’t work for my husband and I wondered if it was reasonable for people to only be with one person for life. Unfortunately when I confessed this, he freaked out a bit and told me he didn’t have those feelings for me and never would. He broke my heart that day and despite having to work with him I cut my friendship off with him. I hardly would look at him during our meetings and wouldn’t hug him when I left. It took 3 months of the “cold shoulder” for him to pull me aside and tell me he was sorry, he was wrong and he just got nervous. This man had just spent the last year struggling with Cancer, going through chemo and having to come to terms with the possibility of dying at such a young age. He was in recovery but he feared that he wouldn’t be around long enough to start a relationship with me. He then said that he did want something more serious and was ready to do this with me. This all seemed too good to be true and I was cautious so I suggested we start slow and maybe try polyamory. I knew him closely for years and I knew that he loved the ladies so I didn’t want to expect too much from him, other than honesty and companionship. We then embarked on an open relationship and the one agreement we had established was that we would always communicate and never lie to each other. 

Things were light & fun in the beginning. We were spending more time together and getting to know each other more intimately. I didn’t date any other guys because I hadn’t met anyone that I was interested in but he went on a couple dates with other girls, none of which he slept with but he was always honest with me about where he was. Then one day he sat me down and said we needed to talk. He said he met a girl that he really liked and wanted to pursue her. I said alright, this is what we agreed on and I wasn’t going to stop him. I said I wanted to meet her so we could all be friends and be on the same page. Once we established that we were all on board and willing to try polyamory, and once everyone cleared STD testing, we moved forward. The day after he slept with her he came to me and said he didn’t know if he wanted to do this.. He claimed the sex was bad and that he wanted to just be with me. I told him absolutely not. He doesn’t get to sleep with a woman and then just dump her. As tempting as it was to just claim him as my own, I wouldn’t allow this. He had said this was what he wanted so he needed to give it more time in my opinion. In retrospect I regret saying that as what followed was a very difficult time in my life, however I also know after years of processing this that I am grateful how things ended up.

Within just a few weeks she was making demands that I felt were unreasonable. She said that since she still lived at home with her parents and I had my own house, that his bed should be their intimate space while my bed should be his & my intimate space. I had major problems with this considering that I had known him for years and she just met him, she was not about to kick me out of his bed now. But I caved and I let it happen and that was my first mistake. From there, things just got worse… She confessed that she was Bi-polar 2 and for this reason she needed more attention than me. We tried to agree on how to divide up our time together but she would pull him away during our designated time together whenever she had a “breakdown” and needed him. She started making agreements with him behind closed doors that didn’t involve me and he began directly breaking agreements that we had already made. He would tell me one thing and then go back to her and change his feelings. Then come back to me with her various demands. I felt like this woman was controlling my life and I hated every second of it. He told me he loved me and then a week later told her he loved her. As much as I wanted him to honor his feelings, this made his confession of love for me feel shallow and seem like it was too little, too late. He bought us both jewelry for Christmas which she proudly broadcasted on social media and this made his gift to me seem generic. She and I tried to spend time together but it was difficult as we both seemed to want to be the alpha. I tried bringing literature into things and suggested we all read a book on Polyamory together. We never made it through the book and things just got more difficult.

Earlier that year I had uprooted my career in the financial industry to pursue my passion in event production. I only worked odd jobs & bartending for 9 months while I tried to find the perfect job which caused me to go into quite a bit of debt. I had finally gotten firm footing when my landlord notified me that after living in my house for 4 years I would need to move as he was selling. I had a short time to find a new place and the housing market in Denver had skyrocketed so finding another 3 bedroom house for $1000 per month was highly unlikely. When I told my boyfriend he said we should find a house together. I asked him how she would feel about this and he said it’s his decision and would talk to her. Then came back to me a week later and said we all needed to discuss this and she had some concerns. Suddenly I found myself promising that she could also move in with us and that we were all going to look for a place together. Since his lease wasn’t up for a couple months we decided I would temporarily move my things into storage at our warehouse where we kept all our sound equipment. Then I would live in a friend’s attic while my kids would stay with my co-parent until his lease was up. I put my whole life on pause for this man. 

At that time he & I were also neck deep in planning our first festival together for Whomp Truck. We were spending most of our time together working on the project and the other half of our time trying to make things work with her. I felt like it was all work and no play. When the festival was shut down by law enforcement, which is an entirely different story for another day, all shit hit the fan. We lost $30,000 of the money we had saved up for this event because we still had to pay out all our artists and were unable to get back deposits for infrastructure, porto potties, ice and the like. There was a lot of tension leading up to this event and I had expressed to the group how risky it was to proceed, but to no avail, we pushed forward despite the many hang ups and we lost everything, including our reputation. The group was heartbroken and people started to blame each other. Later that month my boyfriend, my metamour (my lover’s other lover in poly terms) and another couple from the crew went on a planned vacation to Shambala, a festival in Canada. I was left back home to pick up the pieces of the failed festival and also try and find a place for us to live. When he came back 2 weeks later everything was different. When he left he told me that I was his “Primary” which was something that was a huge point of contention between all of us as we read the book together. Supposedly, there is a primary relationship and a secondary relationship in the poly realm and he could never decide which one of us was his primary. I always hated the terms but this was something she said was a concern of hers if he & I both moved in together, she would default to the secondary. I could understand that as I never liked the idea of being “second” either so I never asked him to pick me, despite the fact we were both board members in our crew and making real life & business decisions together, I never wanted to make her feel lesser. He was my primary and that’s all I knew. When he came back however he sat me down and said that she was now his primary. He said things have developed between them so quickly and that our relationship was tumultuous. He said that I would still be his girlfriend but that this needed to be established. I felt utterly betrayed by him. After years of friendship and working together, he treated me in ways that I would never allow him to treat another woman and I couldn’t help but feel like she was manipulating him to make these decisions. I knew that minute that there was no way I would accept this and no way that I would move in together under these terms. I felt like he led me down a path, made promises and then abandoned me when I needed him the most. It took me one week to finally come to terms with the fact that I had to not only break up with him but also I had to break up with my sound crew. I had invested so much of my money, time & energy into others with nothing to show for it. Things were falling apart on all aspects and I needed to extract myself so I could figure out MY life & needs for once. I was living in an attic waiting on a man who would only disappoint me and the crew was fragmenting. I helped the crew settle their expenses but made it clear that I would no longer be a part of things. I left my career, lost my love & the person who was supposed to be my best friend, my tribe, my home and the creative project that I was passionate about all in one year. I was left broken and homeless.

It took me years to fully process how much this experience hurt me. I have not spoken to this ex-boyfriend since I left the crew. He ended up marrying the other woman and I believe they are still together. It’s hard for me to say I am “happy for them” but I will say that I am extremely happy for myself having gotten out of that situation. In retrospect I wanted to be with him so much that I sacrificed my needs. I learned so much from going through that and trying to see if polyamory worked for me. I can now say with confidence that I am wired monogamous. Energy is sacred and I like to share mine with one person and the energy exchange must be equal. I also can not allow any woman (or man) to control my life. I think all relationships require compromise but I’ve found that it’s hard enough to negotiate terms with one partner, let alone many. I also know that when I have sex with someone I become bonded to them and don’t need to look further. I want to feel safe in a relationship and not have to wonder if they are looking elsewhere. I don’t judge anyone who chooses polyamory and I understand from what I learned that some people are wired that way and there is nothing wrong with it. Many species have multiple partners and a healthy sex life should be a personal journey. It took hands on experience for me to know what I was looking for romantically and this was a part of my journey.

Life, Love, Uncategorized

The Men I’ve Loved – Pt 1 – Daddy

Malia

Listen on Spotify: https://anchor.fm/malia-beer/episodes/The-Men-Ive-Loved–Pt–1–Daddy-e14mmit

I can count the men I have loved in my lifetime on one hand. There have been men who have passed through my life that I have dated or teetered on the side of dating but never truly crossed over. Men who were my friends (with benefits) and men who I saw potential in but they could never commit or timing wasn’t right so we never took flight. I don’t count those men, even though I may have felt some form of love for them, I didn’t give them my heart. I have also felt puppy love in my younger years and in retrospect they were just boys and I was just a girl with a crush. What I am talking about here is passionate love. The kind where you think about them every day, where you make changes to your life to include them and where you are completely vulnerable. This type of love forever changes you. It sculpts you into the person you choose to become. I say the word “choose” intentionally because this type of love can make or break your spirit but you get to make the decision which way to go. I believe that people come into your life at a certain time to teach you something and heartbreak can tear a person down or it can be used as building blocks to create the future you desire. I will be the first to admit that after heartbreak I will allow myself to fall apart. At least for a moment in order to process the pain. I have never been one to quickly jump back on the horse, or into the proverbial sea. I know a lot of people who bounce from one relationship to the next and that has never been me. I know people who use distractions to avoid processing the pain. My one weakness has been to use alcohol to numb the pain but oftentimes that just makes the tears flow faster. This can be good or bad depending on how long I let it go on but I also feel like every man has a certain amount of tears I am willing to give him and once I run out, it’s time to pick myself up and grow. At which point I make a deal with myself that no man will ever have the power to destroy me and I choose to become something greater. Every broken heart has resulted in me bettering myself in some profound way. Therefore I am grateful for the experience and I use it as fuel to achieve my next big goal. I know the energy needs to be put somewhere so it might as well be productive. At the end of every relationship after a few weeks (or months) of reflection and solitude I will have a huge spike in my self growth. Followed by an average of 3-5 years before I get into another relationship. I like to think this is because my true partner is also working on himself and we both need to grow into ourselves before we are ready for each other. 

The first man I ever loved was my father. He was a kind and gentle soul. Him and my mother met when they were in their early 20’s through one of those mail in dating programs. He was in the National Guard and my mother was a single parent with my sister being about 2 years old. I haven’t spoken a great deal with either of them about their love story as they are not together anymore and my mother never had nice things to say about my father so getting her perspective would have been difficult to bear. When I was on a short road trip with my dad a few years back I took time to ask him a few questions about her and he told me that she was the first woman he ever fell in love with. I asked him what made him fall in love and he just said he remembers the moment he saw her he thought she was so beautiful and it was all history from there. My mother was indeed a beautiful woman and did a bit of modeling in her day. She was also a lot of fun to be around…until she was not. My mother had a drinking problem but more than the drinking she was emotionally unstable and the drinking brought out the worst. This blog isn’t about her however so I’ll save those details for another time. 

My father loved my mother and dealt with her as long as he could. They were together for the first 5 years of my life and he even adopted my big sister. I don’t know a lot of the details and honestly don’t remember a lot from that period of my life… other than a food fight between them and a repressed memory that just came up a couple years ago where my father had kicked in a window and had to get stitches on his inner thigh. I wonder often if I repressed memories to protect my psyche. I have very few memories of being a young child and most of them revolve around the horses my mother and grandmother owned because I loved them dearly. I also remember glimpses of being in foster care and group homes during their divorce. I am not sure why my sister and I had to be in foster care at all during that time but I can imagine the state determined that neither of them were fit to care for us while they went through the motions. Between the age of 5-7 years old I went to about 12 different schools and bounced between homes. I remember never having a chance to make any friends and the one time I did make a friend they seemed to pull me from that school the next day and move me somewhere else. For this reason I tend to be very quiet in new settings where I don’t know anyone, which is not like me. I am usually the life of the party and have a great social presence when I am comfortable but when I am the “new girl” I tend to observe everyone and everything and won’t speak up until I know my place in a room. The worst part was when they separated me from my sister and we went to different homes. I felt truly alone and had no one to protect me. I had to learn how to protect myself but mostly I just kept to myself and avoided the other kids. My father ended up getting custody of both my sister and me after their divorce proceedings. I am not sure why the courts decided this considering the system typically favors the mothers and since my sister wasn’t even his biological daughter.. But I assume there was a reason and knowing my mothers instability it could have been a number of things. We lived with my father and his new girlfriend for about 6 months and I loved that time with him. He worked a lot but I was happy to be back home with my sister and family. He would take us to do fun things like fishing, boating, riding go carts around his shop and going to arcades. One day we were supposed to visit my mother but my dad was asleep and wouldn’t wake up to take us. So my sister, being older than me, decided we would take the bus to see my mother. My sister was 11 and I was 8 and somehow she was able to navigate us safely on public transport to my mothers apartment. When we arrived my father called to ask her if she knew where we were and my mother blatantly lied in front of me and said she didn’t know and criticized him for losing us. She made a whole scene about it to punish him. I thought in my little brain how hurtful that was and for the first time I saw how vindictive my mother was. We never went back to live with my father after that. I am sure my father tried to stay in our lives at some capacity but my mother wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t see my father again for years and I remember thinking of him every single day. I still remember the pain I felt wondering if I would ever see him again. Then one day I was playing outside and I saw a man walking up the middle of the street who looked like my uncle. I was confused but as he got closer I realized it was my dad and I ran as fast as I could, jumping into his arms. All the pain was gone and I had my father back! My mother welcomed him inside for a cup of coffee and as my sister and I were catching up with him my mother excused herself. A short while later the police arrived at the door and arrested my father. I know my dad got into trouble and must have had some warrants but that was a low blow from my mother. To have my father arrested in front of me knowing how much I missed him was horrendous. She never seemed to care about how her vendetta against him impacted us. I cried a lot that day and then didn’t see my father again for another several years. 

When I was 19 and newly pregnant I was living back at my mothers home. I had ran away from her when things got really bad and lived in a group home from age 16-17 then moved in with my aunt from 17-18 but once I was over the age of 18 I tried once again to mend the relationship with my mother so I moved back in with her on the terms that I was now an adult and she could no longer control me. One day she yelled down to the basement for me to come upstairs, my father was on TV, she said. Sure enough there was my dad on the news being busted for a meth lab. My mother had a smile on her face as if to say “See I told you that your dad was a bad guy”… but I was smiling because now I knew where he was and how to reconnect with him. I went to visit him in jail right away and told him that he was having a grandchild. I wrote him letters for the 4 years that he was in jail. I didn’t care what he did, I just wanted my dad in my life.

My dad had a rough go at life. He is the second oldest of 6 total siblings. When he was only 19 he joined the military and while on duty he got a phone call that his father shot and killed his mother. My dad hopped on the first plane home and by the time he landed he got word that his father then killed himself. I can only imagine what that trauma does to a person. After my mother he fell into drugs and got himself into trouble. He was married to a woman who was also involved in the meth lab and when they both got out of jail, they stayed clean and moved to Alaska together. I think sometimes it takes rock bottom for people to get their lives back on track. A few years ago she killed herself and he found her body in the house that they built together. My dad doesn’t talk about this stuff much, probably because it’s hard, but I know he is a strong man to have been through so much and still be kind and positive about life. My father now has a good job painting boats, a new wife and is a practicing Jehovah’s Witness. He has settled down and stays out of trouble. The only thing he ever does now is drink the occasional beer. It’s ironic that after all the efforts my mother put into keeping me away from my father, I have a stronger bond with him today than with her. He may have not been good for her but he as always kind to me. He was a good man. He wasn’t abusive … He just wasn’t there. On the flip side, my mother was both emotionally, physically and mentally abusive. I haven’t spoken to her in 12 years and plan to keep it that way.

My father is not old but as a life long painter he has been exposed to a lot of chemicals and is beyond his life expectancy for his profession. I want to spend as much time with him as possible while I have the opportunity. I took my kiddos to visit my dad in Alaska last year and we had a blast fishing like old times, seeing the glaciers and spending family time on the beach! We are going on a road trip next month to see my sister and her kids. Growing up without my father has made some lasting impacts on my life and relationships. I still struggle with abandonment issues. I love deeply and when I feel like someone is leaving me it brings me back to that helpless little girl who felt alone and unprotected in foster care. It’s hard to trust men to protect and care for me. I often feel like I have to take care of myself because no one else will. I have recognized my areas for growth however and have been making strides to reprogram my brain, like allowing a man to treat me to dinner, open my door or letting go of my need to be in control. I’m learning to be vulnerable and accept gestures of love, while not feeling obligated to give anything in exchange. It’s taken a lot of books on childhood trauma to overcome my circumstances but I am grateful for how I was raised as it has ultimately made me a stronger woman.

Dating, Life, Uncategorized

Living with Trauma

Malia

Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/6IWnkeysmCm2qxcIpKGOb4?si=dJNprJR3Q7eTgqIxtwJcSg

Trigger Warning: For anyone who has been abused verbally, emotionally, physically or sexually please be advised. 

I have struggled with repressed trauma my whole life but hadn’t become conscious of it until a few years ago. Last year in particular it became very present because of the mask mandates which made me have negative reactions. It took me a long time to figure out why when I put on a mask I got anxiety, shortness of breath and a loss of motor skills. When I tried to express this to people a lot of times I was told that I am selfish and just making it up. “Just shut up and put on the mask” they’d say.. “For other peoples health & safety” they claim. There was no compassion for me so I struggled to express myself and understand the root of the problem. After sitting with this for months and realizing that I am not alone, it finally made sense. My mother was an alcoholic with what I can only describe as (undiagnosed) borderline personality disorder. She would never admit she has a problem so seeking a diagnosis or help was never an option. All I knew was that growing up was very confusing. She would be really fun and happy but after a few beers she would get angry, then cry, then yell and sometimes she’d get physically abusive. I never understood how she could flip her script on the drop of a dime. She would tell me things had happened that never happened or say I did something that I never did, which always left me questioning my reality. She believed herself so much that it made me wonder if *I* was crazy? I became hyper observant due to this because I wanted to know the difference between what was real and what was imaginary. One time in particular she had me pinned down and wouldn’t let me leave. While I was under her she called the police to “turn me in” and while on the phone with dispatch she screamed “OUCH SHE’S BITING ME, SHE’S BITING ME!”… In my head I thought what in the hell is she saying that for? I am literally pinned underneath her and can’t get away! When the police arrived they split us up in order to get each story. They asked me why I bit her and I said I didn’t. Then they informed me she had bite marks on her inner arm, close to her armpit. I was shocked to realize she went to the lengths of biting herself in order to try and send me to juvenile hall. I told the cops I didn’t do that, she bit herself and they should test the dental marks to prove it. But they must not have believed her because ultimately they left and I was not arrested.

My mother would lock me in my room about once every week and berate me for hours while I’d sit on the floor trying not to let her words seep into my subconscious. She would tell me how awful of a daughter and person I was. That no man would ever love me and I would always be alone. That I wouldn’t amount to anything. I knew that if I spoke up and responded to her verbal abuse or defended myself it would start the clock back over so I had to sit there and endure her venomous words until she tired herself out. I’m not sure where I went during these hour long episodes but I think part of me repressed the memories in order to survive. All I could do was breathe and imagine that I was somewhere else just to stay sane. This trauma has manifested in a couple ways and has affected my life & relationships. Whenever I feel trapped, whether it’s in a relationship or a confined space or at a job or when I’m unable to speak, I feel like I can’t breath. I get claustrophobic and need to get away. I need a level of freedom to feel safe. I can’t even look at pictures of people in caves because it gives me instant anxiety. With masks I can handle them for a short while because I have to in order to go into a grocery store but after 20 minutes I start to panic and can’t think straight. I will bump into things and lose my whereabouts. I think the shortness of breath is partly psychosomatic and it intensifies the longer I wear them. It also changes my personality as I become angry and upset at my surroundings. Fortunately I work for myself and rarely need to endure them but I have a lot of compassion for anyone who is forced to wear them for long periods of time. I haven’t spoken to my mother in over a decade now. Mainly because I needed to break the cycle and not allow my children to grow up in that toxic environment. It’s unfortunate but necessary for my health. 

My last relationship was about 5 years ago in which I met a man who I fell in love with very quickly. Within the span of one week I was seeing him almost daily and within a month he already asked me to move in with him and asked me to marry him several times. Every time I told him “no” but I did end up getting talked into moving in with him. My living situation wasn’t the best and he had a bigger house with a basement so he sold me on the idea of giving more space to my kids and providing them a better home life. My lease was up so it made sense.. We could split rent and that would save us both money. Against my better judgement I jumped into that relationship with no floaties and before I realized it I was drowning. This man was lots of fun and openly expressed his love for me but after about one month the “honeymoon” phase wore off and his true colors began to show. He was an ex-military Army Ranger diagnosed with 100% PTSD and a 10% traumatic brain injury. Adding alcohol alongside his diagnosis made him turn into an entirely different person. We would be having a great time and out of nowhere he would become verbally abusive. He was very jealous of my past life and he’d stalk my Facebook profile while I was at work then send me screenshots of pictures of me with men and ask who they were, if I slept with them and why I would leave these pictures up? He would later berate me for hours on end and tell me I was a dirty whore, a slut, a hooker and tell me that my life is an embarrassment. He’d tell me that it’s coming from a place of love and that it hurts him to know I slept with other people and that I’m still friends with them. He even got to the point of harassing my ex boyfriends online and making a very public scene by tagging me and a list of partners I previously had been with then threatening to murder them. It was an out of body experience in which case I found myself hovering over my body thinking how did I get here? How do I get out? I genuinely thought I would have to die in order to be free. He wouldn’t allow me to leave unless I calmed him down and told him everything he wanted to hear. Unless I committed more to him. I ended up deleting my Facebook and discontinuing a lot of friendships just to appease him. After all of that he just progressed and got worse over time to the point of breaking my possessions and even becoming physically abusive. All of this transpired in the span of 6 months in which case I couldn’t even see my kids because I was afraid of them witnessing an episode. It was summer time and my kids liked to stay at their dads where they are closer to neighborhood friends so they didn’t notice too much, however when I started going a week without seeing them they knew there was a major problem. I could only see them if I took them out and then dropped them back off. My co-parent was the rock for our family at that time and it took me months to finally admit what was happening to me. I will save the details of this story for another blog but let’s just say it was as if I chose a partner who reminded me of my mother. He was great, until he snapped. In my head I kept thinking he was going to kill me but I knew that I needed to keep my mouth shut & pretend to be in love with him while I found my escape route. I finally broke free when he took a trip to Burning Man and I didn’t have to speak to him for a few weeks. I got my own place and blocked him from every platform so he couldn’t pull me back in. My life was in shambles and I knew that I had major healing to do. He was my ultimate rock bottom. 

Fast forward to this week. I spent years figuring out what happened to me, both in my childhood and my last relationship, reading books, processing my emotions and learning how to love myself. This year I finally feel like I am ready to start dating again. I have been on 8 dates out of my goal of 21 in 2021. Most of them are lackluster and I am very picky so I usually know after the first date if there is potential. There was one man I have been casually seeing for a couple months but he hasn’t put much effort into texting or talking to me between dates. We hung out a couple weekends in a row followed by him only texting me late at night asking what I was doing and if I wanted to hang out. I was always busy or about to go to bed so it took a month for him to realize he had to ask me on a real date in order to see me. We went to dinner and drinks which he paid for followed by going to his house for a movie after. I told him I needed to be home by 10pm to work on music for my gig this weekend. After the movie ended he asked me if I wanted to continue the conversation in his room. I told him “no” and that I need to get home soon. He said he wanted to snuggle for a while first and again I told him “no”. When pressed, I further explained that I didn’t really like that he only texts me late at night and I am not interested in being his potential booty call. I said I was being intentional about dating and looking for something more than just physical. Then I mentioned that he wasn’t the only person I was seeing and I am not trying to be promiscuous. Then he said “Wow, you just want to sleep with a bunch of dudes”… and I responded “Umm… that’s not at all what I said, I said the exact opposite”. He then said “Well you don’t have to sleep with me, lets just go lay down for a bit”. For the 3rd time I said “No. I don’t want to put myself in a situation that could lead somewhere” and he said “Too bad that you’re just the kind of girl who can’t control herself”. I started shaking and instantly got up, grabbed my things and left telling him only that he triggered me and I had to go. I went to my car and started crying but not your standard cry, it was a full blown emotional meltdown including sobbing while hyperventilating. All the trauma from my mother and my ex who both verbally abused me and said awful things like what was just said to me, was right in my face again. It felt like I was back in my room being yelled at and told I wouldn’t amount to anything. I was reliving the abuse as if it was currently happening. After 10 minutes I accidentally honked the horn as my head fell into the steering wheel which snapped me back into reality so I drove home, still sobbing the whole way and struggling to breath. I got home and laid on the floor in the fetal position for another 20 minutes crying until I could finally catch the words to tell myself that I was safe now. I held myself and repeated out loud “You’re ok, you’re ok.. You’re home, you’re safe. You don’t ever have to go back there.. I’ll take care of you, you’re safe”. Even writing this brings the tears back to my eyes. 

I finally got up and tried to reach out to a friend. I just needed a warm & familiar voice to calm me down. It was late but my dear friend answered and she just held space for me while I cried and vented to her. She would take very intentional deep breaths which truly helped center me. When I woke up the next day I realized that I had my first panic attack and began to replay what happened in my mind. I realized that the trauma is still very real regardless of how much work I have done to move past it. It is something that I will have to live with my entire life and need to learn ways to cope. I also realized that what happened with my mother carried over to my choice of partner. There is a book I listened to after that relationship ended called ‘Getting the Love you Want’ that resonated with me. It talks about how we choose partners who remind us of our primary caregivers, both the good & the bad aspects. We do this unconsciously in order to fill the void of not getting the love we always wanted but never received. We think these people who remind us of our caregiver will fill the void. The only way to overcome this is by intentionally learning about our shadows and choosing something different. I came to understand that my traumatic relationship was the Universe offering me the idea of “love” from someone who might be able to fill that void. I also realized that this new man I was dating had many of the same attributes as the last and that the Universe will keep putting you in situations until you learn the lesson.


I am actually grateful that this happened and that I saw the pattern so quickly. I was able to get myself out of a bad situation the moment it happened and no longer need to fill some imaginary void with more toxic relationships. I have learned my lesson and I will never let someone treat me that way again. I have filled my own cup and don’t need a person to make me whole because I am my savior. People treat you how you treat yourself and you only get what you’re willing to put up with. Needless to say I will never speak to that man again and I don’t feel bad for leaving with no explanation. He tried to reach out but I have not responded and don’t plan to. The funniest part is that after I left he seemed so clueless that he actually sent me a text asking if I could Venmo him my portion of dinner. The dinner that he ordered and said was too much for him and wanted to share. I laughed out loud! I thought about sending him a bill for my awesome company as my time is valuable and he wasted it… Or sending him a dollar and telling him to buy himself a clue… but I figured that there is no point in speaking to deaf ears and this would make a really good blog post as it is.

Thank you for reading my blog. If you have struggled or are struggling with an abusive relationship please feel free to reach out. I have been there. You are NOT alone. There are resources that can help.

❤ Malia

Dating, Life, Love

Adventures in Dating Pt. 2 ~ Getting Clear about what you Want

Malia

Listen on Spotify

I’m new to the dating scene. Typically I would live my life and if a person of interest crossed my path, I would “throw caution to the wind” so to speak. I would go with the flow, ride it out and see how the chips fell. After a handful of unsuccessful and short lived connections, alongside one traumatic relationship, I realized if I truly wanted to find someone of substance, how unrealistic of an approach that was. After my traumatic relationship a few years ago I listened to a Book called “Getting the Love you Want” which really resonated with me. It was written by Harville Henreix Ph.D. and he explores how our childhood plays a role in who we are drawn to in relationships. How we seem to be drawn to people that remind us of our primary caregivers and for those of us who didn’t have positive childhoods this can hinder our ability to select people that are good for us. We tend to seek out someone who reminds us of our parents because it both makes us feel comfort while simultaneously seeking the love we always wanted but never received. 

My mother was beautiful, wild & fun (yet) crazy and volatile. We used to sing and dance while playing dress up as she made me feel magical and told me I could accomplish anything that I put my mind to… Until things got dark for her and she would become verbally abusive and hurtful. My father was gentle, kind and the light of my life. He loved me dearly but left at the age of 8. As a result, I have been drawn to men who are either wildly fun (but often imbalanced) or avoidant/unavailable. I have a mix of codependency alongside abandonment issues. The “normal” ones always seemed so boring to me and I unknowingly craved excitement in order to fill the void of not getting the stable care that I needed as a child. The difference between me and most people however was that I recognized I had a blockage and my desire to overcome my circumstances was far greater than my need for immediate gratification. I have worked extremely hard to understand my traumas along with learning how to overcome them. At this point my self love teeters on the border of narcissism. I say that jokingly but my best friend makes fun of me for it. I think because I didn’t get the love I needed, I had to manufacture it myself and over time I learned how much of a badass biotch I am and how I can’t rely on any man (or person) to give me that love. It resides inside of me and I have to own it! The love I have for my avatar is so strong that now I am ready to share it and I seek a worthy receiver. 

I casually dated a male model a while back and learned that what they say about models might be true… super hot but there isn’t much going on upstairs… he was super sweet but after a few fun months I ended things with no explanation. He later confronted me to ask why I broke things off. He said that it felt like a business transaction and that maybe he wasn’t putting in as much so I cut him off as if he were a business decision. I realized that he was 100% correct and as insensitive as I may have been to his feelings, it wasn’t working for that very reason. I wasn’t willing to be the investor anymore. I wasn’t willing to put all my time & energy into someone or something that wasn’t bringing me a return on my investment. At this point, I am not willing to start something that doesn’t make sense long term. I am not willing to humor deal breakers in hopes the person will “change”. They never do. I am not interested in fixing anyone as I’ve tried that repeatedly only to be left feeling used and drained. No, no.. I am embracing my power and I realize ALL relationships are transactional, whether you recognize this or not. Some people want companionship at all costs and are willing to forfeit their dignity to avoid being alone. Some people want sex, some people want arm candy to make themselves look or feel better, some people want safety or security… NONE of these wants are wrong as every person deserves to be true to themselves and their needs. However being clear with yourself and those you date is imperative for a long lasting and balanced partnership. 

What I want is far deeper. I want true connection. A best friend and a lover. Someone who I can confide in and who will push me to my limits while catching me when I fall. I realize that I am a Queen and I need to own this, like mama taught me. I want my love to find me beautiful, fun & exciting (while) being able to handle my crazy, as we all have it. To be fair, I am pretty reasonable but trauma is trauma and I’ll be the first to admit on occasion it creeps up and I revert back to patterns that are hard to break. For example; if I think someone is going to leave me, I leave first to spare myself the uncertainty. I need my man to give me a minute to catch my breath, realize how ridiculous that is and then be my rock and pull me back in. Again, it’s rare and embarrassing when this happens but I need a strong man to hold space for me when I can’t hold space for myself. After all, as Marilyn so eloquently put it “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best”. 

Getting clear about what you want is a process but something worth embarking on. Here are a couple lists to start with that you can adjust over time as you grow to know and love yourself:

Write down ALL the things you desire in your partner. Start the sentence with “My partner *IS*… Avoid saying I want him/her to “be”. Don’t use future tense but rather write your list as if they are already here. Example; 

My Partner IS

~Kind to my kids (and all kids). He wants to get to know them and be their friend. 

My partner IS

~Thoughtful: Thinks deeply about things & contemplates life.

He IS

~Mindful: Present in his life and considers his impact on others.

~Well articulated: Knows how to speak, write, communicate and express himself.

~Emotionally intelligent: Listens to his heart, knows himself, what he wants and has empathy for others.

~Supportive: Encourages me to pursue my goals & pushes me to be my best self while being able to catch me when I fall. 

~Healthy: Cares about what he puts in & on his body. He likes to workout frequently, be fit and be active – he’ll even try the things I enjoy like yoga or acro yoga and even be silly with my hula hoop once and a while. *Whilst* not being too obsessed with always being healthy…just most of the time… everything in moderation including moderation.  

~Open Minded: We don’t always agree or see things the same but we allow each other the space to explore ideas and ask questions without feeling judged. 

~Fond of travel & exploring new places

~Financially stable: Has the means to do that ^ He has his own career that he enjoys that offers him a lifestyle that we can share weight equally without stress. 

~Attractive: He has good hygiene but knows how to be a man and not be afraid of pheromones. He has some sense of fashion and knows the difference between dressing up, down, business casual and costumery.. He is conscious of fashion but doesn’t really care what other people think of his appearance. 

~Unapologetically himself: He doesn’t let society, social norms or pressure change him. 

~Funny, fun loving and overall a great time to be around! He likes to let loose sometimes and be a free spirit. He loves to laugh and joke around, be silly and spontaneous. He makes trips to the grocery store worth writing home about ❤ 

~Well equipped – if you know what I’m sayin’…. But to be clear, my man has a very nice girthy penis. Not too long, not too short, but just right. 

~Sensual: He is great in bed, an amazing kisser and appreciates the power of touch and giving extra attention to my body.

~Affectionate: Not afraid of public displays of affection & showing me he loves my body.

~Loyal

~Honest

~Intelligent

~Spiritual

~In love with ME. Not his made up version of me, not the surface me, not just my body and not what I have to offer but he is genuinely and passionately in love with ALL of me. 

Next, write down what YOU have to offer. Don’t be shy! We all have our strengths and we need to own them! Here are some things I have to offer to the lucky man who catches my heart:

~I am optimistic and cheerful and have the ability to brighten a room and lift people’s spirits. 

~I have a great sense of humor and make people laugh with spontaneous jokes and just being silly or pointing out how silly we are as humans. I can break the ice easily and make people smile.  

~I am patient and kind. I am stoic in times of trouble. I am the voice of reason in difficult or emotional situations and can usually find middle ground or help bring calm & peace to the situation. 

~I am understanding and forgiving.

~I am a good cook & homemaker who enjoys taking care of the people I love.

~I can hold an intellectual conversation and discuss worldly & deep topics.

~I am creative and can transform anything into a work of art. 

~I am well articulated and can hold my own within a variety of dynamics.

~I am smart, hard working and capable of anything I put my mind to. 

~I am hawt with a cute butt and womanly curves, soft skin and nice hair that will make any man melt. 

~Also, I am charming 😉 

So what is it that YOU want and have to offer?

Dating, Life, Love

Adventures in Dating Part 1: Laying the Foundation

Malia

Listen on Spotify

I have been mostly single since my divorce in 2010, minus a couple short lived exceptions. I never wanted to introduce my children to a bunch of men when they were young and then have it not work out so I kept most of my (almost non existent) dating life separate from my family life. My last relationship was 4 years ago and it scared me away from trying again due to the volatility of that situation. After only 6 months of dating that man, I had to take a huge step back to evaluate what happened to me and why I attracted that type of person. I listened to several audiobooks about psychology, love and how our past traumas and childhood plays a big role in the type of person you are attracted to. I learned about attachment styles, the male brain (&) the female brain among many other personal development topics. I came to understand that relationship as my rock bottom and I knew that if I was going to find the right person worth committing to and ever put myself in another vulnerable situation then I needed to do the work and make sure I was prepared. After many years of growth and discovering who I really am at my core and what I want out of a partner, I finally feel the urge & confidence to seek him. This year I’ve felt compelled to cast my net as far & wide to see what fish are out there. The saying goes that “what you seek is seeking you” and I feel a tugging in my heart. I plan to go on many dates and assume I will need to kiss a lot of frogs to find my King. Yes, I said “King” and not “Prince” because I know that I am not a Princess and what I need is a strong man to meet me in my Queendom. 

I decided to put more effort into online dating and have built up 3 profiles on different dating sites to see which one works best for me and also because I know that in order to find my man I need to take steps towards him. Maybe I’ll meet him in real life but at least this is my signal to the Universe that I am open. I set up a profile on Meet Mindful as it seems to be more geared towards people who want to live mindfully, health conscious and spiritual lives. However I’ve not had much luck interacting with people on that platform. Possibly because these people are also trying to be present in their lives and thus don’t spend a lot of time in the virtual world. It’s also hard to tell whether we have the same views on important topics that could be deal breakers. The site allows you to program your match preferences for things like height, age, religion, diet, education and a few other categories however there is no way of telling whether you’d agree or disagree on fundamental issues.

I also set up an account on OK Cupid. The site allows you to answer many questions on a variety of topics like political views, current events, likes and dislikes along with allowing you to rate the importance of that topic. You are matched based on how many things you agree on and whether those things are more or less important to you in a relationship. I made sure to answer a LOT of questions to really be clear about who I am and what is important to me. You also have the ability to select criteria like age, heigh & location similar to Meet Mindful. To avoid wasting time reading a bunch of dead end profiles, I have worked out a process for scrubbing potential matches; First I will only humor men who are a 90% match or above. If they pass the initial “cute/hot/attractive” test based on their profile pictures, then I will go one step further and click on the match percentile link to review the things we *disagree* on to make sure there aren’t any firm deal breakers. One thing I often run into that is a deal breaker for me is someone who is sold on the mask/lockdown/vaccine approach to Covid. Not to diminish the pandemic but I am very clear that I want a person who values building their immune system & personal responsibility over pharmaceutical drugs and government mandates. I also shy away from men who don’t like children or animals because I don’t know how any reasonable person doesn’t like them! If I get the impression that they are immature or full time partiers that will also deter me. I have spent enough time in the party scene to know that is NOT the person I am looking for. Finally, I can’t handle the “Woke” culture so anyone who is overly liberal and convinced that America is a racist, awful country is not workable as I love my country and am honored to be here. I have come to realize that despite being socially liberal (classic liberal) I am fiscally conservative and I believe in God, Spirituality and the individual over the Government, tribalism and bureaucratic science. I am NOT a Communist nor Socialist but I do care about volunteering, sustainability and locally managed social programs that help our communities. I certainly don’t fall into any political box and I am seeking someone who is a bit more open to alternative ideas. 

The last dating site that I created a profile on is eHarmony. They seem to focus more attention on the compatibility levels between people and use psychology to get to the root of what builds a successful and long term relationship. They ask questions more aligned to how you are within a partnership, your love languages, personality traits, attachment & relationship styles. What I gather from this site is that it’s good for people who are seeking a long term & committed relationship or marriage and family building. The only downside is that you have to put a lot of skin in the game. In order to even see a potential matches profile & pictures you have to be a paid member and it’s rather expensive. For example, Meet Mindful was $50 for 3 months of membership. OK Cupid was $30 for the first month and $60 every month after (or you can do an annual subscription that has some savings). eHarmony is more based on the length of commitment as it requires a minimum of 6 months at $42 per month (or $250 for 6 months and $350 for a year). For now I decided to start with the cheaper short term commitment sites to see how I like them and will consider eHarmony later. 

OK Cupid seems to be working for me the most. I’ve only been on the site for 2 weeks but so far have made a handful of connections and have had 3 in person meet ups. The first man I met is a 96% match and we get along great! He is a lot of fun to be around and we seem to agree on so many things and the conversation flows very well. I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him at first but mostly because he asked me to meet him at a local dive bar and the setting was not exactly my cup of tea. During dinner we got to know each other more and found a lot of commonalities so he became more attractive to me. We have hung out twice now and both times were a blast! He met my friends and fits in well with them which is important to me. The only possible Red Flag is that he’s slightly younger than me and I tend to be mature for my age. I am looking for a man who is very emotionally intelligent and is fully established in his life. This isn’t a deal breaker and so far I enjoy his company enough to see how things play out. He also lied on his profile about being a smoker and that has always been a hard “no” for me, although I have dated men who vape and smoke on occasion. It’s not something I will be able to tolerate long term as it makes me sick to be around. When I asked him why he lied he said because A) He is trying to quit and wants to be around good influences who don’t smoke and B) Most women won’t even give him the time of day if he admits this. I do understand addiction is hard and to be fair, I didn’t disclose the fact that I have children. Not to “hide” that part of myself but I also don’t know that I want to attract other parents with young children. I am not closed off to the idea and I actually adore children… It’s more that I have taken care of people my whole life and I am at a point where as my responsibilities with my kids lessen and they get older, I have a strong desire to travel and be free for a little while. I’m not exactly looking to build another family or raise more kids..However I’m not opposed and always saw myself having a girl, even if she wasn’t mine. I feel like this is something to reveal in person with some added context. I also don’t want any man to think I need a father figure as my kids already have a dad. I want my man to be kind to my kids and get to know them while not trying to be their father figure. 

My second date was with a guy who upon meeting clearly lied about his height… and not just a little, a whole 4 inches! We met in a park to play with his dog and he proceeded to tell me all the things wrong with him and said multiple times that he is boring and his life is basically all about his dog. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs but if the only thing you do everyday is walk your dog and then go home to your apartment I can tell you right now that I would suffocate in that dynamic. He also smelled potent like he wasn’t even trying to impress me and had gone on a hike with his dog earlier that day. There was zero attraction or chemistry so I kindly told him I was cold and he walked me to my car. Word to those meeting a date for the first time; maybe try to tell your date the interesting things about yourself first and not bore them(?). Also if there is no time to shower, try deodorant!

The 3rd date was interesting because I found myself thinking about the date I had the night before with the 1st guy and how much fun we’ve had the last 2 dates… I wondered if this 3rd guy would be as much of a bore as the 2nd and was almost dreading the meet up. Upon first sight all I thought (and said) was “Ohh, you’re handsome!”. He was dressed casual with a button up top and jeans but smelled nice and had a warm smile. He hugged me and I could feel he was very strong. He also came to pick me up and got out of the car to come to my door which I liked. He has a nice (and clean) car. He paid for my drinks without even allowing me to try and he was quite the gentleman. For the record chivalry is NOT dead! The conversation started slow at first but as we got more comfortable I realized he is very thoughtful and deep. He asks a lot of great questions and wants to know who I am at my core. We talked about our past relationships, careers, childhoods and more. I felt that he was much more mature than my younger date and has established his life & career to a point that I feel he could add balance & stability to my life. He basically hits everything on my list and the physical connection is equally as strong as the mental one, if not more so. The only possible Red Flag is whether he will understand my artist lifestyle as he is in functional medicine and seems to be very healthy. I like to be 95% on point with my goals, career and healthy lifestyle however every couple weeks or so I like to let loose, stay up late and party! I wonder if he will fit into that dynamic or if he’ll be the partner that stays home while I go out. He seems to be open to new things and asked me a lot about Burning Man along with letting me take him to a local college bar and gay bar just to try something new… So I feel good about it and truthfully have had a smile on my face since our date. At this time I know that I can’t settle too fast and need to continue to meet more people and let things develop naturally. I will say however that he is not shy to tell me how much he likes me and it’s refreshing to meet a man I can connect with on multiple levels, who is not afraid of expressing feelings and who is actually available. I’ve heard there are a few other dating sites worth looking into, which I will. I am in no hurry and nothing good ever came easy 😉 For now I am single and just enjoying my freedom!