Tag: Love

Life, Love, Uncategorized

The Men I’ve Loved – Pt 1 – Daddy

Malia

Listen on Spotify: https://anchor.fm/malia-beer/episodes/The-Men-Ive-Loved–Pt–1–Daddy-e14mmit

I can count the men I have loved in my lifetime on one hand. There have been men who have passed through my life that I have dated or teetered on the side of dating but never truly crossed over. Men who were my friends (with benefits) and men who I saw potential in but they could never commit or timing wasn’t right so we never took flight. I don’t count those men, even though I may have felt some form of love for them, I didn’t give them my heart. I have also felt puppy love in my younger years and in retrospect they were just boys and I was just a girl with a crush. What I am talking about here is passionate love. The kind where you think about them every day, where you make changes to your life to include them and where you are completely vulnerable. This type of love forever changes you. It sculpts you into the person you choose to become. I say the word “choose” intentionally because this type of love can make or break your spirit but you get to make the decision which way to go. I believe that people come into your life at a certain time to teach you something and heartbreak can tear a person down or it can be used as building blocks to create the future you desire. I will be the first to admit that after heartbreak I will allow myself to fall apart. At least for a moment in order to process the pain. I have never been one to quickly jump back on the horse, or into the proverbial sea. I know a lot of people who bounce from one relationship to the next and that has never been me. I know people who use distractions to avoid processing the pain. My one weakness has been to use alcohol to numb the pain but oftentimes that just makes the tears flow faster. This can be good or bad depending on how long I let it go on but I also feel like every man has a certain amount of tears I am willing to give him and once I run out, it’s time to pick myself up and grow. At which point I make a deal with myself that no man will ever have the power to destroy me and I choose to become something greater. Every broken heart has resulted in me bettering myself in some profound way. Therefore I am grateful for the experience and I use it as fuel to achieve my next big goal. I know the energy needs to be put somewhere so it might as well be productive. At the end of every relationship after a few weeks (or months) of reflection and solitude I will have a huge spike in my self growth. Followed by an average of 3-5 years before I get into another relationship. I like to think this is because my true partner is also working on himself and we both need to grow into ourselves before we are ready for each other. 

The first man I ever loved was my father. He was a kind and gentle soul. Him and my mother met when they were in their early 20’s through one of those mail in dating programs. He was in the National Guard and my mother was a single parent with my sister being about 2 years old. I haven’t spoken a great deal with either of them about their love story as they are not together anymore and my mother never had nice things to say about my father so getting her perspective would have been difficult to bear. When I was on a short road trip with my dad a few years back I took time to ask him a few questions about her and he told me that she was the first woman he ever fell in love with. I asked him what made him fall in love and he just said he remembers the moment he saw her he thought she was so beautiful and it was all history from there. My mother was indeed a beautiful woman and did a bit of modeling in her day. She was also a lot of fun to be around…until she was not. My mother had a drinking problem but more than the drinking she was emotionally unstable and the drinking brought out the worst. This blog isn’t about her however so I’ll save those details for another time. 

My father loved my mother and dealt with her as long as he could. They were together for the first 5 years of my life and he even adopted my big sister. I don’t know a lot of the details and honestly don’t remember a lot from that period of my life… other than a food fight between them and a repressed memory that just came up a couple years ago where my father had kicked in a window and had to get stitches on his inner thigh. I wonder often if I repressed memories to protect my psyche. I have very few memories of being a young child and most of them revolve around the horses my mother and grandmother owned because I loved them dearly. I also remember glimpses of being in foster care and group homes during their divorce. I am not sure why my sister and I had to be in foster care at all during that time but I can imagine the state determined that neither of them were fit to care for us while they went through the motions. Between the age of 5-7 years old I went to about 12 different schools and bounced between homes. I remember never having a chance to make any friends and the one time I did make a friend they seemed to pull me from that school the next day and move me somewhere else. For this reason I tend to be very quiet in new settings where I don’t know anyone, which is not like me. I am usually the life of the party and have a great social presence when I am comfortable but when I am the “new girl” I tend to observe everyone and everything and won’t speak up until I know my place in a room. The worst part was when they separated me from my sister and we went to different homes. I felt truly alone and had no one to protect me. I had to learn how to protect myself but mostly I just kept to myself and avoided the other kids. My father ended up getting custody of both my sister and me after their divorce proceedings. I am not sure why the courts decided this considering the system typically favors the mothers and since my sister wasn’t even his biological daughter.. But I assume there was a reason and knowing my mothers instability it could have been a number of things. We lived with my father and his new girlfriend for about 6 months and I loved that time with him. He worked a lot but I was happy to be back home with my sister and family. He would take us to do fun things like fishing, boating, riding go carts around his shop and going to arcades. One day we were supposed to visit my mother but my dad was asleep and wouldn’t wake up to take us. So my sister, being older than me, decided we would take the bus to see my mother. My sister was 11 and I was 8 and somehow she was able to navigate us safely on public transport to my mothers apartment. When we arrived my father called to ask her if she knew where we were and my mother blatantly lied in front of me and said she didn’t know and criticized him for losing us. She made a whole scene about it to punish him. I thought in my little brain how hurtful that was and for the first time I saw how vindictive my mother was. We never went back to live with my father after that. I am sure my father tried to stay in our lives at some capacity but my mother wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t see my father again for years and I remember thinking of him every single day. I still remember the pain I felt wondering if I would ever see him again. Then one day I was playing outside and I saw a man walking up the middle of the street who looked like my uncle. I was confused but as he got closer I realized it was my dad and I ran as fast as I could, jumping into his arms. All the pain was gone and I had my father back! My mother welcomed him inside for a cup of coffee and as my sister and I were catching up with him my mother excused herself. A short while later the police arrived at the door and arrested my father. I know my dad got into trouble and must have had some warrants but that was a low blow from my mother. To have my father arrested in front of me knowing how much I missed him was horrendous. She never seemed to care about how her vendetta against him impacted us. I cried a lot that day and then didn’t see my father again for another several years. 

When I was 19 and newly pregnant I was living back at my mothers home. I had ran away from her when things got really bad and lived in a group home from age 16-17 then moved in with my aunt from 17-18 but once I was over the age of 18 I tried once again to mend the relationship with my mother so I moved back in with her on the terms that I was now an adult and she could no longer control me. One day she yelled down to the basement for me to come upstairs, my father was on TV, she said. Sure enough there was my dad on the news being busted for a meth lab. My mother had a smile on her face as if to say “See I told you that your dad was a bad guy”… but I was smiling because now I knew where he was and how to reconnect with him. I went to visit him in jail right away and told him that he was having a grandchild. I wrote him letters for the 4 years that he was in jail. I didn’t care what he did, I just wanted my dad in my life.

My dad had a rough go at life. He is the second oldest of 6 total siblings. When he was only 19 he joined the military and while on duty he got a phone call that his father shot and killed his mother. My dad hopped on the first plane home and by the time he landed he got word that his father then killed himself. I can only imagine what that trauma does to a person. After my mother he fell into drugs and got himself into trouble. He was married to a woman who was also involved in the meth lab and when they both got out of jail, they stayed clean and moved to Alaska together. I think sometimes it takes rock bottom for people to get their lives back on track. A few years ago she killed herself and he found her body in the house that they built together. My dad doesn’t talk about this stuff much, probably because it’s hard, but I know he is a strong man to have been through so much and still be kind and positive about life. My father now has a good job painting boats, a new wife and is a practicing Jehovah’s Witness. He has settled down and stays out of trouble. The only thing he ever does now is drink the occasional beer. It’s ironic that after all the efforts my mother put into keeping me away from my father, I have a stronger bond with him today than with her. He may have not been good for her but he as always kind to me. He was a good man. He wasn’t abusive … He just wasn’t there. On the flip side, my mother was both emotionally, physically and mentally abusive. I haven’t spoken to her in 12 years and plan to keep it that way.

My father is not old but as a life long painter he has been exposed to a lot of chemicals and is beyond his life expectancy for his profession. I want to spend as much time with him as possible while I have the opportunity. I took my kiddos to visit my dad in Alaska last year and we had a blast fishing like old times, seeing the glaciers and spending family time on the beach! We are going on a road trip next month to see my sister and her kids. Growing up without my father has made some lasting impacts on my life and relationships. I still struggle with abandonment issues. I love deeply and when I feel like someone is leaving me it brings me back to that helpless little girl who felt alone and unprotected in foster care. It’s hard to trust men to protect and care for me. I often feel like I have to take care of myself because no one else will. I have recognized my areas for growth however and have been making strides to reprogram my brain, like allowing a man to treat me to dinner, open my door or letting go of my need to be in control. I’m learning to be vulnerable and accept gestures of love, while not feeling obligated to give anything in exchange. It’s taken a lot of books on childhood trauma to overcome my circumstances but I am grateful for how I was raised as it has ultimately made me a stronger woman.

Dating, Love

Adventures in Dating Pt.4 – FRUSTRATION

Malia

Listen on Spotify: https://anchor.fm/malia-beer/episodes/Adventures-in-Dating-Pt-4–FRUSTRATION-e12kagl

Well I am about over this whole “dating” thing. However I made a goal and I am going to stick to it. My goal was 21 dates in 2021 and let me tell you, they have mostly been lackluster! I have met one person I have a connection with and that needs more time to develop. In the last couple weeks I went on 3 more in person dates.. One was a young guy who I seemed to communicate well with online, however when we met I didn’t feel anything. He was nice, decent looking and easy to talk to but with all the pleasantries we exchanged over a glass of kombucha we never found that connection. Sure we both like nature and camping but those things are so basic in Colorado. I decided to ask him where he sees himself in 5 years just to learn if there is any compatibility. He said he didn’t know and hadn’t thought about it so I pried a little more… “What is one thing you want to do before you die that will leave you feeling fulfilled?” He said he wanted a family and to have kids. I asked how many and he said 2-3 which made me realize we are definitely not compatible. I am a 37 year old mother and my kiddos are teenagers now. While I am still young enough to have another (and this is something I have considered quite a bit lately) I also know that I want a little time to travel & experience more before I sign that contract again. I need time to meet my person and for us to decide together what we want in life before making any decisions. Part of me has always wanted a girl and I’ve known her name since I was young. I even had a dream about her recently. Her name is Elizabeth but I would call her “Libby” for short. I don’t want to fully close that door, however I don’t see myself having more than one, if at all. It really comes down to the partner I choose and what serves our purpose. Part of me has also considered adoption since there are so many parentless children in this world. At any rate I don’t disclose that I have children online because this is more of an “in person” conversation. I am not exactly trying to attract men who have young children because that would mean it’s unlikely we are in the same place. I want someone who is a little more free and wants to explore the world with me. Oftentimes that is hard to do with young children, though not impossible. I am also not trying to deter men and a lot of times men think that if you are a single mother that you are looking for a man to take the father role, which is the farthest from what I want. My children have a father and no man will ever take his place. My boys are old enough to be their friend, not their responsibility. 

The other man I met up with was 11 years older than me which is not a deal breaker however we didn’t have a lot in common. He asked me to “Sunday on Santa Fe” which is right up my cultural alley and in my physical neighborhood. We perused the art & antique shops followed by grabbing sushi. He seemed a little nervous but polite. Not exactly my flavor of man but sometimes personality makes someone more attractive. Once we had some sake we both opened up a little more and talked about our past relationships and how we got to where we are today. His story was tragic as his wife of 20 years got caught cheating with his neighbor who was also his best friend just a year prior. Within one week his wife moved in with this man, who was also married and who also divorced his wife after getting caught. Their children were old enough to witness all of that and his wife was unapologetic. Now he is still friends with the neighbor’s wife while his ex is off playing house with the other man and the kids. When someone shares something that raw with you there is almost an instant bond. I had a lot of empathy for him and can definitely relate to being cheated on and left for another. When that happened to me I took a few years to reflect before dating again. I usually need time to grow and learn before I get back on the horse. I can’t imagine this being an easy transition after being married for 20 years and personally think people need time to heal…however not everyone is like me. We had the time and nowhere to be so we went to play games at the arcade 1Up in Denver and had a couple more drinks. It was a fun day but one big turn off was that he didn’t offer to buy me lunch or drinks so I spent a lot of money! Something about chivalry is attractive to me. I never expect a man to pay my way however I enjoy when they offer. For one thing I find that it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. I even teach my boys this when we go out for ice cream. Always ask a girl what she wants while you’re in line and then order for her. It shows confidence and care. Then pay for it. It shows chivalry. I want to know if you think my time is worth your investment. After games, he drove me home and went for a kiss. Although I was not really attracted to him I allowed it. Mostly in the name of “research” and trying to learn how or when *connection* happens but also because I felt a little bad for the guy. Sheesh what a card he got dealt! He was a decent kisser but there was absolutely no spark so I excused myself and said goodnight. He texted me immediately and said he had a good time and asked when he could see me again. I told him I needed to check my calendar and would get back… but after a whole week of not thinking about him he followed up. Then I realized if he hadn’t crossed my mind at all for the whole week then clearly there is no chemistry. I feel like when you like someone you think about them all the time, especially in the beginning. Part of me thought about meeting up again since he’s a nice guy and all…. But then I realized it felt obligatory and maybe a little out of pity. I don’t see this developing and don’t think spending more time together would change that. It might just make the conversation more awkward in person. So I decided to be honest and endure the minor discomfort in the moment in order to spare myself the discomfort of spending more time with this person and then having to let him down. I responded to his inquiry by saying “I don’t know how to say this and don’t want to be hurtful but I need to be honest; I don’t feel a romantic connection with you.” I told him I was looking for something specific and didn’t think he was that. Then I asked if he felt the connection with me or if he just thinks I’m cute and fun so he’s going with it? He said his feelings weren’t hurt and appreciated the honesty. Then he acknowledged that he agreed, we aren’t what each other are looking for and he just thought we could have fun in the meantime. I told him that if I wasn’t so clear about what I wanted maybe I’d have “fun” with people but the problem with knowing what you want is that anything less is not enjoyable. We ended things as friends and wished each other luck on our separate journeys. 

The 3rd man I met up with was from a dating site called Luxy. I had a friend recommend it because it was for rich (or) sexy people and she thought I deserved to be in that box. It’s an interesting app because you have to pass criteria to be accepted. It’s a dating site where 45% of the users are millionaires who actually send in their tax documents to be verified. You have to put your best foot forward and add quality pictures. Which is nice to peruse through because I find a lot of normal dating apps have shitty pictures and people have no clue how to take a selfie. It’s also cool because you can look at the other women on the app and see your competition, for lack of a better term. One thing I notice is that women like to use a lot of filters and it’s really hard to tell what they would look like in real life or without makeup. I wonder; is this what men want?… A plastic doll or arm candy? It also only allows for a short description of who you are and what you’re looking for, along with surface things like height, career, income and location. You really don’t get a lot of substance swiping through profiles and it’s a little pretentious for me but again, I am putting my best foot forward so I’m giving it a shot. A lot of these men & women are rich and travel a lot which is cool but many of them live out of state or out of the country. I wonder what is the point in trying to connect with someone so far away? I do want to travel but I’m not that rich (yet)! I have chatted with a handful of local users but a lot of these rich men aren’t that attractive and I realize no amount of money will make me sleep with someone that I am not attracted to. I do want a man who is financially stable but I am not looking for a sugar daddy. Only looking for someone who can keep up with me and not weigh me down. After chatting online over the week I suggested we grab a bite or drink. We went to grab margaritas on the patio of a local mexican restaurant. We both walked up from opposite directions and waved from afar as our timing was perfect. He was dressed casually as he just came from work and I found him to be good looking but not pretentious. The conversation flowed very easily and we had a lot in common. He is my age so we are both elder millennials who remember what it was like without the internet. We also both worked in the financial industry and then got turned off by it. He has a couple properties around Colorado and left corporate America to be an entrepreneur and now owns his consulting firm. Then we started discussing the current affairs of the world as this is a very important topic for me. I feel like Covid split our country into two parts and I wanted to know what side of the aisle he fell on. I carefully mentioned that I haven’t practiced silks for the last year due to the mask mandates and not being able to do that. He said he didn’t work well with masks either and that he thought we should have never shut down the economy. Then we started speaking the same language. Once dinner was over he readily grabbed the bill and paid. Then he offered to drive me home since I walked. His car was nice and clean which matters to me for whatever reason. I feel like the type of car a man drives shows me whether he is financially sound and the cleanliness shows me if he is messy. We hugged in the car but neither of us went for a kiss and I thought that was nice. I really enjoyed our conversation and he is good looking but there isn’t an emotional bond yet so that seemed inappropriate. He also mentioned that he just got out of a year long relationship so he is newly single. I think it would be wise to take things slow. Once I was home I wondered if he thought I was attractive or if I was in the friend box. Then he texted me and said he was glad we met and said he was around over the weekend if I wanted to hang out. So we have another date on Sunday and I look forward to getting to know him more. 

I had a few drinks with my neighbor last night who I have been meaning to get to know. He is 27 years my senior & married so this is strictly platonic. He’s always really nice to my Airbnb guests and says hi to me every day so I decided that we needed to get to know each other. He comes from a rough childhood like me so we can relate to one another. He and his wife are also artists and enjoy poetry and literature.  I mentioned that I had a blog and he asked what it was about. I told him current events, love, life, relationships… Basically I write about my thoughts and feelings. That is how I processed things as a kid and built up a habit of writing in order to put the emotions I was feeling somewhere. Sometimes my brain gets so full of thoughts and if I don’t write them out, it will fester inside of me and clog up my vibration. I told him my current topic is adventures in dating and that it can be frustrating. For example, there is one guy I am chatting with online who seemed to be of substance and asked a lot of great questions. He said that I caught his attention and despite never meeting me, he thought about me daily. I thought that was sweet but also a little odd. I don’t like building expectations in my mind about someone and need to feel the energy exchange. He said he really wanted to meet me so we made plans. But then he asked me how many other dates I had this week and I said “Do you really want to know about my dating life?” He said yes, that’s how he can tell if I am open and vulnerable or just a serial dater. Against my better judgement I was honest and said that I normally don’t date and kind of hate it but this year I felt the urge to put myself out there so I made a goal to go on 21 dates in 2021. Then.. he…got…weird. He was a little passive aggressive and said that I sounded like a serial dater and to contact him when I was ready for something real. I clarified that I *am* looking for something real, however I am a goal driven person and I knew that this was going to be a ratio thing. I knew it would be frustrating and if I had one bad date it would deter me from wanting to try again, hence the reason behind setting a goal. I also said the only way to really know if you have a connection is by meeting in real life. Rarely do I have that connection with someone and typically we hug goodbye and go our separate ways. He asked if there was anyone I have connected with so far and I said yes there is one man I am seeing here & there. Then he got really offended and said he wouldn’t be ok with me seeing other people if we were sleeping together and I informed him that A) Just because I am dating does NOT mean I am going to sleep with them. And B) How do you know that I would even want to sleep with you? It was pretty presumptuous for him to think this and a red flag that he got possessive when we literally haven’t even met yet. I told him I wouldn’t know if we had chemistry until we met and then if we do, the foundation must be laid before I would stop all other dating. I think it’s wise to approach a new relationship slowly and also think it’s healthy to take my time to see what is out there so I am not settling for the first man I like. When I mentioned this to my neighbor, he too assumed I was sleeping with a bunch of dudes and after a few drinks I felt really annoyed by men. Why do they think that just because a single woman is exercising her freedom of choice and dating that she is a whore? My neighbor didn’t explicitly say this but he assumed that I was “sleeping with a bunch of losers” which made me feel really misunderstood and judged. One tequila later I told him the conversation was over and he left. Today I am just annoyed by men and frustrated with the process. I truly feel that there are good men out there, don’t get me wrong. I just think the majority of them in the dating scene are basic. They are driven by their liibto and rarely take the time to get clear on what they want in a partner. They don’t think far enough ahead to determine what they seek in a romantic relationship. They are not doing the work. While I’m looking for the needle in the haystack. The man who I choose will understand the importance of this work and have his own list of traits he needs in a mate. And as if by fate, I will meet most of those traits. Not all of them because no one is perfect but I better be damn close to perfect (for him)! I trust the Universe is conspiring for this.

Uncategorized

Adventures in Dating Pt. 3 ~ Making a Connection

Malia

Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0EzSYc5SsU9k5I1IlPLFkd?si=W8USk4vCRVGFQhwWBUUOVw

I met a man on OkCupid. He reached out to me to comment about something I posted on my profile in regards to choosing not to get the C19 Jab. I mentioned how being healthy in other non conventional ways was important to me and that I believed in using plants as medicine instead of pharmaceuticals. Turns out he is a Doctor in functional medicine, which I believe to be real health care. I’ve always said we live in a “sick care” system and that our way of thinking about health is backwards. Doctors prescribe drugs to mask the symptoms but rarely get to the root of the problem in order to solve it. This man is the guy you go see when you’ve tried everything that your doctor prescribed to you and it’s still not working. He will reverse engineer the diagnosis to get to the root cause.  I remember thinking how refreshing that was and wanted to learn more about him.  When I met him I instantly thought he was SO handsome and then he just walked right up and hugged me tight like we were old friends. I remember feeling how strong he was and liking how he just went for it. Not in an aggressive way but in a “Come here, you!” kind of way. He had a great smile and presence about him. We went for drinks and it was a bit loud in the bar but we covered some good topics from our jobs to family life, history and relationships. He asked a lot of great questions and seemed genuinely interested in me. There was smoke getting into the bar and I don’t do well with smoke so when I gagged he noticed it right away and seemed concerned with how I felt. He was very intuitive to my comfort. We decided to leave after our drink and check out another place. We drove in his nice manly car with a big hemi. I say that like I know a lot about cars (which I really don’t) but I remember feeling safe in the car and asking him about it so he gushed about his “Donkey” as he calls it. He is from Canada and has a deep voice with a cute Canadian accent don’tcha know 😉 

We continued our conversation at the next location and I mentioned to him that I hadn’t been sleeping well for the last 6 weeks. I had been waking up about every 90 minutes with racing thoughts and wasn’t able to get into deep sleep which was affecting my daily life. He asked me what happened 6 weeks ago? I thought about that and said I didn’t know, nothing I don’t think. Towards the end of the night I mentioned this new property in Black Hawk that I have been managing for my clients and he asked me if it was stressful. I said yes, that there is a lot more on my plate but I wanted that opportunity so I hired an assistant who has been helping me with the Airbnb so I could give my attention to the new property. He then asked how long ago I got the property and I replied “about 6 weeks”…. At which point we both realized that was the sleep stressor. I was really impressed with his inquisitive yet non abrasive questions and felt stimulated by the conversation. We had one woman look at us from across the room and wave, then she came over and said hi. Confused by this I asked if I knew her and she said “Aren’t you the couple that came to my shop yesterday?” I told her no, I just met this man and she said “Oh, well you look good together”. I got fresh ramen to-go and as we walked out there was a homeless man who asked if I could spare some change. I told him I didn’t have money but had fresh food if he wanted half. He was so excited and told me thank you then turned to my date and said “You have a beautiful wife, sir”. Those two occurrences don’t mean anything but I thought it was interesting to hear that we seemed suitable at a glance by 2 separate people that night. 

He drove me home and we said goodbye with a hug in the car. Then he kissed my cheek and I turned to respond and there was a sudden *Spark* as we locked lips. We embraced each other tightly and ended up making out in his car as if we were teenagers and our parents were home. I didn’t want to invite him in so we got lost in the car for a while and then finally came up for air and parted ways for the evening. I was so twitter pated that I left my wallet in his car but that just meant I got to see him again sooner. He texted me right away and didn’t hold back his feelings. Normally I would get scared if a man was into me too quickly but this one didn’t scare me. The energy between us felt natural and somewhat familiar. That night I fell into deep sleep for the first time in 6 weeks and actually started lucid dreaming. Whenever I become lucid I go flying because it feels free and I love seeing the world! Then I fell out of it and went back into deep sleep. Somewhere close to morning I spoke out loud “Spirit Guide, tell me what to do about my love life”… Then I felt this strong presence enter my room. It was a woman and she grabbed my forearms and held me so tight that it felt real. I felt awake but paralyzed and couldn’t open my eyes. I was somewhat frozen between sleep & wake. She then whispered “Just be yourself”… followed by some other words of wisdom that I have since lost to the subconscious. Then she tucked me into bed, patted me on the butt and walked away. At which point my eyes burst open and I realized I was alone in my room but it felt so real like there was just a person with me. I haven’t had an experience like that since doing Ayahuasca a couple years ago. 

I have been seeing this man for a little shy of 2 months now and whenever we are together things flow easily. I got a little nervous a couple weeks ago because I have slowed down my “hunt” for dates since meeting him. I made a goal to go on 21 dates this year to see what’s out there, however I found myself not putting in the work anymore. I realize that when I really like someone I put blinders on and become quite monogamous. My brain tells me it’s too soon to know if he’s right for me and that I need to stick to my goal, even if it ends up being merely for research and to acquire more content for my blog. Truth is I haven’t met a man like this in my whole life. I have met men that I fell for quickly or who sparked my attention but never one who was also stable, mature and emotionally intelligent. I’ve always felt like the “normal” ones are boring and they don’t entertain me enough so in the past I’ve gone for the “bad boy”. Unfortunately that has led me through some toxic interactions with men and after my traumatic relationship 5 years ago, I knew that I had to change something inside of me that made me attract & be attracted to the wrong men. I learned in order to get the love you want, you must first learn to love yourself. I learned how to set boundaries and speak up when something bothers me. I learned about the male & female brain and how we are wired differently but how we crave each other. I listened to countless books on psychology and relationship styles. I have been so hurt in the past that I knew I had a lot to learn if I was ever to find a man of substance who I was actually compatible with and who was good for me. I also needed time to become the person worthy of this type of man. Again, it’s too early to tell if he is that man but he sure does meet a lot of the things on my “list’ (See Adventures in Dating Pt2 – Getting Clear about what you want)

I listened to a podcast a couple weeks ago that discussed the 3 most important things you need to ask someone before you fall for them. You have to ask them in this order because if the answers to questions #1 & #2 don’t line up then question #3 is irrelevant. 

  1. Where are you going? – You need to know if they are on the same path as you and where they plan to be in the future. If they plan to leave the country or state and you don’t then there is a clear fork in the road ahead. After all, you wouldn’t get into an Uber if it was going downtown when you wanted to go to the mountains, would you? 
  2. What do you see? – You want to know what their vision is for their life. Do they want to be alone, be in a partnership, have kids, live on a farm, live in the city? Some of these things are negotiable but ultimately this answer will show whether you are aligned in your long term vision. If 1 & 2 can fit into your world then you ask the most important question…
  3. How do you feel about me? 

Last week I was hanging out with this man and he took me into his arms and said “I love how you are just yourself. How you don’t pretend to be someone else”…. My mind went right back to the visit I had from my spirit guide the first night I met this man. I didn’t say anything in response, I just embraced him and kissed him passionately. Later in the evening we were snuggling and he asked me “So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. It was like he read my mind about the very questions I was wanting to ask him. I told him I wanted to be financially free and not have to worry about money. I wanted my job to be as remote as possible so I could travel and go try new things. I told him I wanted to develop my blog & podcast and have some place to put my aerial rig wherever I ended up. Then I got stuck on my words because the thing I wanted more than anything was hard to say out loud. I was worried it would scare him so I hesitated. He told me not to hold back so I said “ I want to build a life with someone”. Then I asked him where he saw himself. His vision was similar to mine in the sense that he has a podcast and is working on making his practice remote plus he wants to write a book.. But he also said he wanted to have more access to his parents who live in Canada. He said he is waiting on his papers to go through to know if he can even stay in America and that he needs to know by October in order to know how to move forward with his practice. Even though this man is upfront about his feelings and he makes me feel seen and appreciated, I chose not to ask him question #3 yet because I was not clear on where he is going or what it means to “have more access” to his parents. I’d assume being in Canada but there is so much in the air with his practice being in Colorado and him not knowing if he’ll be allowed to continue working here. I felt like I needed more clarity on the direction he is going before I can ask how he feels about me. 

A few days ago he gave me more insight. I texted him to ask how his week was and he said he was catching up but had a lot to reflect on. He said his mother told him she wants him to be closer to home. His parents aren’t getting any younger and he’s been away most of his life…. So he said he’s been reflecting on how to make that possible and what his long term location will be. I felt the breath taken right out of my lungs. I didn’t know what to say but all of the sudden my monkey brain went crazy telling me I am not worthy, he doesn’t want me, I will never find a good man who will love me… and all of the horrible things my mother programmed into my head as a child. I started crying and continued to shed tears throughout the night. I felt silly because I barely met this man and didn’t understand how I was having such a strong reaction. It was compulsive and I felt like whenever I would think about being in his arms my breath would escape me and I would shed another tear. Upon reflection I realize that I still carry a fear of abandonment due to my father leaving me at such a young age. I fear getting close to someone and loving them to later be left without any choice in the matter. I remember thinking about my dad every single day for years and years, wishing he would come back. I felt deflated and unsure what to do. The connection with this man is strong and I see a lot of potential with him but I am scared. This all transpired over text so I don’t know exactly where it leaves us. I want to see him in person & discuss this but I am afraid to ask. I told myself I would never chase a man again and that if he wants to see me he will make an effort. I also don’t want to run away because that too is a part of my “daddy issues”. In the past, if I think someone is going to leave me I do the leaving first to spare myself the uncertainty. But I am trying so hard to break my habits and choose a different path for myself. I want to apply everything I learned over the last few years and grow. I don’t want to live in fear anymore. My heart is telling me to spend as much time with this man as possible while I can but my head is telling me it will just break my heart. My head usually loses when it comes to matters of the heart and I have gotten myself into trouble for this but every time I have gotten hurt I have learned something and am ultimately grateful that I followed my heart. I also know that the Universe will keep teaching the same lessons until you learn them and I wonder what I am supposed to learn here. 

Whatever happens, I need to focus on what I do want, not what I am afraid of because the Universe will give you both what you want and don’t want depending on which you focus on. I want to approach this with a balance of both head & heart cohesiveness. He said whatever he does it will likely be a slow transition and I wonder if there is a way for my life to work into that plan or if he’d even make room for me in his plans. We haven’t been seeing each other for long but the connection is stronger than anything I’ve felt in decades and I feel like it would be a disservice to both of us to just let it go too quickly. I never considered Canada as a destination for my life but I also intentionally left my vision open because I knew whenever I was ready to take a leap and try something new it would present itself and I didn’t want to pigeonhole myself into one place. I am getting to a point where I want to get away from the city and be some place that is more calm where I can focus on my creativity. Where I can work remotely and then spend the rest of my days writing, practicing aerial and learning music production. Being in Denver has been difficult to make time to be consistent with that because I get pulled in so many directions and there is always an event someone wants me to participate in. My kids are getting older and I know they won’t need me as much in a couple years but for now they do need me and I would never leave them. I have a lot to think about and even if this man isn’t “the one” this experience has made me think deeply about how to position myself better to take flight as that is one of my deepest desires. I don’t know how this is going to play out but I suppose that will be for another blog. For now I have to hold in my heart that what is meant to be, will be and you can’t miss something that was never meant for you. I trust the Universe & Spirit Guides are looking over me.

Dating, Life, Love

Adventures in Dating Part 1: Laying the Foundation

Malia

Listen on Spotify

I have been mostly single since my divorce in 2010, minus a couple short lived exceptions. I never wanted to introduce my children to a bunch of men when they were young and then have it not work out so I kept most of my (almost non existent) dating life separate from my family life. My last relationship was 4 years ago and it scared me away from trying again due to the volatility of that situation. After only 6 months of dating that man, I had to take a huge step back to evaluate what happened to me and why I attracted that type of person. I listened to several audiobooks about psychology, love and how our past traumas and childhood plays a big role in the type of person you are attracted to. I learned about attachment styles, the male brain (&) the female brain among many other personal development topics. I came to understand that relationship as my rock bottom and I knew that if I was going to find the right person worth committing to and ever put myself in another vulnerable situation then I needed to do the work and make sure I was prepared. After many years of growth and discovering who I really am at my core and what I want out of a partner, I finally feel the urge & confidence to seek him. This year I’ve felt compelled to cast my net as far & wide to see what fish are out there. The saying goes that “what you seek is seeking you” and I feel a tugging in my heart. I plan to go on many dates and assume I will need to kiss a lot of frogs to find my King. Yes, I said “King” and not “Prince” because I know that I am not a Princess and what I need is a strong man to meet me in my Queendom. 

I decided to put more effort into online dating and have built up 3 profiles on different dating sites to see which one works best for me and also because I know that in order to find my man I need to take steps towards him. Maybe I’ll meet him in real life but at least this is my signal to the Universe that I am open. I set up a profile on Meet Mindful as it seems to be more geared towards people who want to live mindfully, health conscious and spiritual lives. However I’ve not had much luck interacting with people on that platform. Possibly because these people are also trying to be present in their lives and thus don’t spend a lot of time in the virtual world. It’s also hard to tell whether we have the same views on important topics that could be deal breakers. The site allows you to program your match preferences for things like height, age, religion, diet, education and a few other categories however there is no way of telling whether you’d agree or disagree on fundamental issues.

I also set up an account on OK Cupid. The site allows you to answer many questions on a variety of topics like political views, current events, likes and dislikes along with allowing you to rate the importance of that topic. You are matched based on how many things you agree on and whether those things are more or less important to you in a relationship. I made sure to answer a LOT of questions to really be clear about who I am and what is important to me. You also have the ability to select criteria like age, heigh & location similar to Meet Mindful. To avoid wasting time reading a bunch of dead end profiles, I have worked out a process for scrubbing potential matches; First I will only humor men who are a 90% match or above. If they pass the initial “cute/hot/attractive” test based on their profile pictures, then I will go one step further and click on the match percentile link to review the things we *disagree* on to make sure there aren’t any firm deal breakers. One thing I often run into that is a deal breaker for me is someone who is sold on the mask/lockdown/vaccine approach to Covid. Not to diminish the pandemic but I am very clear that I want a person who values building their immune system & personal responsibility over pharmaceutical drugs and government mandates. I also shy away from men who don’t like children or animals because I don’t know how any reasonable person doesn’t like them! If I get the impression that they are immature or full time partiers that will also deter me. I have spent enough time in the party scene to know that is NOT the person I am looking for. Finally, I can’t handle the “Woke” culture so anyone who is overly liberal and convinced that America is a racist, awful country is not workable as I love my country and am honored to be here. I have come to realize that despite being socially liberal (classic liberal) I am fiscally conservative and I believe in God, Spirituality and the individual over the Government, tribalism and bureaucratic science. I am NOT a Communist nor Socialist but I do care about volunteering, sustainability and locally managed social programs that help our communities. I certainly don’t fall into any political box and I am seeking someone who is a bit more open to alternative ideas. 

The last dating site that I created a profile on is eHarmony. They seem to focus more attention on the compatibility levels between people and use psychology to get to the root of what builds a successful and long term relationship. They ask questions more aligned to how you are within a partnership, your love languages, personality traits, attachment & relationship styles. What I gather from this site is that it’s good for people who are seeking a long term & committed relationship or marriage and family building. The only downside is that you have to put a lot of skin in the game. In order to even see a potential matches profile & pictures you have to be a paid member and it’s rather expensive. For example, Meet Mindful was $50 for 3 months of membership. OK Cupid was $30 for the first month and $60 every month after (or you can do an annual subscription that has some savings). eHarmony is more based on the length of commitment as it requires a minimum of 6 months at $42 per month (or $250 for 6 months and $350 for a year). For now I decided to start with the cheaper short term commitment sites to see how I like them and will consider eHarmony later. 

OK Cupid seems to be working for me the most. I’ve only been on the site for 2 weeks but so far have made a handful of connections and have had 3 in person meet ups. The first man I met is a 96% match and we get along great! He is a lot of fun to be around and we seem to agree on so many things and the conversation flows very well. I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to him at first but mostly because he asked me to meet him at a local dive bar and the setting was not exactly my cup of tea. During dinner we got to know each other more and found a lot of commonalities so he became more attractive to me. We have hung out twice now and both times were a blast! He met my friends and fits in well with them which is important to me. The only possible Red Flag is that he’s slightly younger than me and I tend to be mature for my age. I am looking for a man who is very emotionally intelligent and is fully established in his life. This isn’t a deal breaker and so far I enjoy his company enough to see how things play out. He also lied on his profile about being a smoker and that has always been a hard “no” for me, although I have dated men who vape and smoke on occasion. It’s not something I will be able to tolerate long term as it makes me sick to be around. When I asked him why he lied he said because A) He is trying to quit and wants to be around good influences who don’t smoke and B) Most women won’t even give him the time of day if he admits this. I do understand addiction is hard and to be fair, I didn’t disclose the fact that I have children. Not to “hide” that part of myself but I also don’t know that I want to attract other parents with young children. I am not closed off to the idea and I actually adore children… It’s more that I have taken care of people my whole life and I am at a point where as my responsibilities with my kids lessen and they get older, I have a strong desire to travel and be free for a little while. I’m not exactly looking to build another family or raise more kids..However I’m not opposed and always saw myself having a girl, even if she wasn’t mine. I feel like this is something to reveal in person with some added context. I also don’t want any man to think I need a father figure as my kids already have a dad. I want my man to be kind to my kids and get to know them while not trying to be their father figure. 

My second date was with a guy who upon meeting clearly lied about his height… and not just a little, a whole 4 inches! We met in a park to play with his dog and he proceeded to tell me all the things wrong with him and said multiple times that he is boring and his life is basically all about his dog. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs but if the only thing you do everyday is walk your dog and then go home to your apartment I can tell you right now that I would suffocate in that dynamic. He also smelled potent like he wasn’t even trying to impress me and had gone on a hike with his dog earlier that day. There was zero attraction or chemistry so I kindly told him I was cold and he walked me to my car. Word to those meeting a date for the first time; maybe try to tell your date the interesting things about yourself first and not bore them(?). Also if there is no time to shower, try deodorant!

The 3rd date was interesting because I found myself thinking about the date I had the night before with the 1st guy and how much fun we’ve had the last 2 dates… I wondered if this 3rd guy would be as much of a bore as the 2nd and was almost dreading the meet up. Upon first sight all I thought (and said) was “Ohh, you’re handsome!”. He was dressed casual with a button up top and jeans but smelled nice and had a warm smile. He hugged me and I could feel he was very strong. He also came to pick me up and got out of the car to come to my door which I liked. He has a nice (and clean) car. He paid for my drinks without even allowing me to try and he was quite the gentleman. For the record chivalry is NOT dead! The conversation started slow at first but as we got more comfortable I realized he is very thoughtful and deep. He asks a lot of great questions and wants to know who I am at my core. We talked about our past relationships, careers, childhoods and more. I felt that he was much more mature than my younger date and has established his life & career to a point that I feel he could add balance & stability to my life. He basically hits everything on my list and the physical connection is equally as strong as the mental one, if not more so. The only possible Red Flag is whether he will understand my artist lifestyle as he is in functional medicine and seems to be very healthy. I like to be 95% on point with my goals, career and healthy lifestyle however every couple weeks or so I like to let loose, stay up late and party! I wonder if he will fit into that dynamic or if he’ll be the partner that stays home while I go out. He seems to be open to new things and asked me a lot about Burning Man along with letting me take him to a local college bar and gay bar just to try something new… So I feel good about it and truthfully have had a smile on my face since our date. At this time I know that I can’t settle too fast and need to continue to meet more people and let things develop naturally. I will say however that he is not shy to tell me how much he likes me and it’s refreshing to meet a man I can connect with on multiple levels, who is not afraid of expressing feelings and who is actually available. I’ve heard there are a few other dating sites worth looking into, which I will. I am in no hurry and nothing good ever came easy 😉 For now I am single and just enjoying my freedom!