Listen on Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0EzSYc5SsU9k5I1IlPLFkd?si=W8USk4vCRVGFQhwWBUUOVw
I met a man on OkCupid. He reached out to me to comment about something I posted on my profile in regards to choosing not to get the C19 Jab. I mentioned how being healthy in other non conventional ways was important to me and that I believed in using plants as medicine instead of pharmaceuticals. Turns out he is a Doctor in functional medicine, which I believe to be real health care. I’ve always said we live in a “sick care” system and that our way of thinking about health is backwards. Doctors prescribe drugs to mask the symptoms but rarely get to the root of the problem in order to solve it. This man is the guy you go see when you’ve tried everything that your doctor prescribed to you and it’s still not working. He will reverse engineer the diagnosis to get to the root cause. I remember thinking how refreshing that was and wanted to learn more about him. When I met him I instantly thought he was SO handsome and then he just walked right up and hugged me tight like we were old friends. I remember feeling how strong he was and liking how he just went for it. Not in an aggressive way but in a “Come here, you!” kind of way. He had a great smile and presence about him. We went for drinks and it was a bit loud in the bar but we covered some good topics from our jobs to family life, history and relationships. He asked a lot of great questions and seemed genuinely interested in me. There was smoke getting into the bar and I don’t do well with smoke so when I gagged he noticed it right away and seemed concerned with how I felt. He was very intuitive to my comfort. We decided to leave after our drink and check out another place. We drove in his nice manly car with a big hemi. I say that like I know a lot about cars (which I really don’t) but I remember feeling safe in the car and asking him about it so he gushed about his “Donkey” as he calls it. He is from Canada and has a deep voice with a cute Canadian accent don’tcha know 😉
We continued our conversation at the next location and I mentioned to him that I hadn’t been sleeping well for the last 6 weeks. I had been waking up about every 90 minutes with racing thoughts and wasn’t able to get into deep sleep which was affecting my daily life. He asked me what happened 6 weeks ago? I thought about that and said I didn’t know, nothing I don’t think. Towards the end of the night I mentioned this new property in Black Hawk that I have been managing for my clients and he asked me if it was stressful. I said yes, that there is a lot more on my plate but I wanted that opportunity so I hired an assistant who has been helping me with the Airbnb so I could give my attention to the new property. He then asked how long ago I got the property and I replied “about 6 weeks”…. At which point we both realized that was the sleep stressor. I was really impressed with his inquisitive yet non abrasive questions and felt stimulated by the conversation. We had one woman look at us from across the room and wave, then she came over and said hi. Confused by this I asked if I knew her and she said “Aren’t you the couple that came to my shop yesterday?” I told her no, I just met this man and she said “Oh, well you look good together”. I got fresh ramen to-go and as we walked out there was a homeless man who asked if I could spare some change. I told him I didn’t have money but had fresh food if he wanted half. He was so excited and told me thank you then turned to my date and said “You have a beautiful wife, sir”. Those two occurrences don’t mean anything but I thought it was interesting to hear that we seemed suitable at a glance by 2 separate people that night.
He drove me home and we said goodbye with a hug in the car. Then he kissed my cheek and I turned to respond and there was a sudden *Spark* as we locked lips. We embraced each other tightly and ended up making out in his car as if we were teenagers and our parents were home. I didn’t want to invite him in so we got lost in the car for a while and then finally came up for air and parted ways for the evening. I was so twitter pated that I left my wallet in his car but that just meant I got to see him again sooner. He texted me right away and didn’t hold back his feelings. Normally I would get scared if a man was into me too quickly but this one didn’t scare me. The energy between us felt natural and somewhat familiar. That night I fell into deep sleep for the first time in 6 weeks and actually started lucid dreaming. Whenever I become lucid I go flying because it feels free and I love seeing the world! Then I fell out of it and went back into deep sleep. Somewhere close to morning I spoke out loud “Spirit Guide, tell me what to do about my love life”… Then I felt this strong presence enter my room. It was a woman and she grabbed my forearms and held me so tight that it felt real. I felt awake but paralyzed and couldn’t open my eyes. I was somewhat frozen between sleep & wake. She then whispered “Just be yourself”… followed by some other words of wisdom that I have since lost to the subconscious. Then she tucked me into bed, patted me on the butt and walked away. At which point my eyes burst open and I realized I was alone in my room but it felt so real like there was just a person with me. I haven’t had an experience like that since doing Ayahuasca a couple years ago.
I have been seeing this man for a little shy of 2 months now and whenever we are together things flow easily. I got a little nervous a couple weeks ago because I have slowed down my “hunt” for dates since meeting him. I made a goal to go on 21 dates this year to see what’s out there, however I found myself not putting in the work anymore. I realize that when I really like someone I put blinders on and become quite monogamous. My brain tells me it’s too soon to know if he’s right for me and that I need to stick to my goal, even if it ends up being merely for research and to acquire more content for my blog. Truth is I haven’t met a man like this in my whole life. I have met men that I fell for quickly or who sparked my attention but never one who was also stable, mature and emotionally intelligent. I’ve always felt like the “normal” ones are boring and they don’t entertain me enough so in the past I’ve gone for the “bad boy”. Unfortunately that has led me through some toxic interactions with men and after my traumatic relationship 5 years ago, I knew that I had to change something inside of me that made me attract & be attracted to the wrong men. I learned in order to get the love you want, you must first learn to love yourself. I learned how to set boundaries and speak up when something bothers me. I learned about the male & female brain and how we are wired differently but how we crave each other. I listened to countless books on psychology and relationship styles. I have been so hurt in the past that I knew I had a lot to learn if I was ever to find a man of substance who I was actually compatible with and who was good for me. I also needed time to become the person worthy of this type of man. Again, it’s too early to tell if he is that man but he sure does meet a lot of the things on my “list’ (See Adventures in Dating Pt2 – Getting Clear about what you want)
I listened to a podcast a couple weeks ago that discussed the 3 most important things you need to ask someone before you fall for them. You have to ask them in this order because if the answers to questions #1 & #2 don’t line up then question #3 is irrelevant.
- Where are you going? – You need to know if they are on the same path as you and where they plan to be in the future. If they plan to leave the country or state and you don’t then there is a clear fork in the road ahead. After all, you wouldn’t get into an Uber if it was going downtown when you wanted to go to the mountains, would you?
- What do you see? – You want to know what their vision is for their life. Do they want to be alone, be in a partnership, have kids, live on a farm, live in the city? Some of these things are negotiable but ultimately this answer will show whether you are aligned in your long term vision. If 1 & 2 can fit into your world then you ask the most important question…
- How do you feel about me?
Last week I was hanging out with this man and he took me into his arms and said “I love how you are just yourself. How you don’t pretend to be someone else”…. My mind went right back to the visit I had from my spirit guide the first night I met this man. I didn’t say anything in response, I just embraced him and kissed him passionately. Later in the evening we were snuggling and he asked me “So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. It was like he read my mind about the very questions I was wanting to ask him. I told him I wanted to be financially free and not have to worry about money. I wanted my job to be as remote as possible so I could travel and go try new things. I told him I wanted to develop my blog & podcast and have some place to put my aerial rig wherever I ended up. Then I got stuck on my words because the thing I wanted more than anything was hard to say out loud. I was worried it would scare him so I hesitated. He told me not to hold back so I said “ I want to build a life with someone”. Then I asked him where he saw himself. His vision was similar to mine in the sense that he has a podcast and is working on making his practice remote plus he wants to write a book.. But he also said he wanted to have more access to his parents who live in Canada. He said he is waiting on his papers to go through to know if he can even stay in America and that he needs to know by October in order to know how to move forward with his practice. Even though this man is upfront about his feelings and he makes me feel seen and appreciated, I chose not to ask him question #3 yet because I was not clear on where he is going or what it means to “have more access” to his parents. I’d assume being in Canada but there is so much in the air with his practice being in Colorado and him not knowing if he’ll be allowed to continue working here. I felt like I needed more clarity on the direction he is going before I can ask how he feels about me.
A few days ago he gave me more insight. I texted him to ask how his week was and he said he was catching up but had a lot to reflect on. He said his mother told him she wants him to be closer to home. His parents aren’t getting any younger and he’s been away most of his life…. So he said he’s been reflecting on how to make that possible and what his long term location will be. I felt the breath taken right out of my lungs. I didn’t know what to say but all of the sudden my monkey brain went crazy telling me I am not worthy, he doesn’t want me, I will never find a good man who will love me… and all of the horrible things my mother programmed into my head as a child. I started crying and continued to shed tears throughout the night. I felt silly because I barely met this man and didn’t understand how I was having such a strong reaction. It was compulsive and I felt like whenever I would think about being in his arms my breath would escape me and I would shed another tear. Upon reflection I realize that I still carry a fear of abandonment due to my father leaving me at such a young age. I fear getting close to someone and loving them to later be left without any choice in the matter. I remember thinking about my dad every single day for years and years, wishing he would come back. I felt deflated and unsure what to do. The connection with this man is strong and I see a lot of potential with him but I am scared. This all transpired over text so I don’t know exactly where it leaves us. I want to see him in person & discuss this but I am afraid to ask. I told myself I would never chase a man again and that if he wants to see me he will make an effort. I also don’t want to run away because that too is a part of my “daddy issues”. In the past, if I think someone is going to leave me I do the leaving first to spare myself the uncertainty. But I am trying so hard to break my habits and choose a different path for myself. I want to apply everything I learned over the last few years and grow. I don’t want to live in fear anymore. My heart is telling me to spend as much time with this man as possible while I can but my head is telling me it will just break my heart. My head usually loses when it comes to matters of the heart and I have gotten myself into trouble for this but every time I have gotten hurt I have learned something and am ultimately grateful that I followed my heart. I also know that the Universe will keep teaching the same lessons until you learn them and I wonder what I am supposed to learn here.
Whatever happens, I need to focus on what I do want, not what I am afraid of because the Universe will give you both what you want and don’t want depending on which you focus on. I want to approach this with a balance of both head & heart cohesiveness. He said whatever he does it will likely be a slow transition and I wonder if there is a way for my life to work into that plan or if he’d even make room for me in his plans. We haven’t been seeing each other for long but the connection is stronger than anything I’ve felt in decades and I feel like it would be a disservice to both of us to just let it go too quickly. I never considered Canada as a destination for my life but I also intentionally left my vision open because I knew whenever I was ready to take a leap and try something new it would present itself and I didn’t want to pigeonhole myself into one place. I am getting to a point where I want to get away from the city and be some place that is more calm where I can focus on my creativity. Where I can work remotely and then spend the rest of my days writing, practicing aerial and learning music production. Being in Denver has been difficult to make time to be consistent with that because I get pulled in so many directions and there is always an event someone wants me to participate in. My kids are getting older and I know they won’t need me as much in a couple years but for now they do need me and I would never leave them. I have a lot to think about and even if this man isn’t “the one” this experience has made me think deeply about how to position myself better to take flight as that is one of my deepest desires. I don’t know how this is going to play out but I suppose that will be for another blog. For now I have to hold in my heart that what is meant to be, will be and you can’t miss something that was never meant for you. I trust the Universe & Spirit Guides are looking over me.
Malia 